Pundit mince*

I know I’m not the first to say this but hasn’t the standard of TV punditry at the World Cup hit absolute rock bottom? It’s been almost universally uninformed, unresearched and uninsightful – almost sickeningly so at times.

Tom English has written a column for The Scotsman that pretty much sums up the sorry standard – and has become something of a viral web hit, judging by the traffic its getting – but here are a few dishonourable mentions for my part:

Edgar Davids: Eh?dgar Drivel. The words are there, but add them together and it’s just. not. English.

Alan Shearer: Mr Potato Head. Someone should record his ‘expert analysis’ as a sleeping aid.

Andy Townsend: Andy-Christ. Deeply, deeply disagreeable “Irish” Cockney. The day he completes a sentence without a cliché or the words “I tell you what” is the day hell freezes over.

Clive Tyldesley: Snide Bilgely. It’s written in his contract that everything he says must be translated for the Ingerlanders, even if it’s comparing the male pattern baldness of the Slovakia striker with “Rooooooooney”.

Clarence Seedorf: Call Clarence. And dictate the teamsheet to him. At least his ignorance also extends to England, when he called Gareth Barry ‘whatsisname’.

Robbie Earle: The Earl of Compchester. Alas, we were denied Earle’s blatherings when 36 of his complimentary tickets ended up in the hands of a gaggle of blonde PR girls from a beer company. Gaffes don’t really get any more gaffey than that.

Adrian Chiles: Voodoo Chile (Porky Return). ITV producers, please tell Chiles he’s not a comedian.

There were also BBC/ITV gravy train tickets for the likes of Harry “Brown Envelope” Redknapp, Chris “32 caps for Wales” Coleman, Lee “Traders Need Access To” Dixon and Emmanuel Adebayor, who almost answered a phone call live in the studio.

Very few have impressed. Only Jurgen Klinnsman, Roy Hodgson and Jim Beglin haven’t embarrassed themselves.

For anything approaching insightful commentary (and when I say ‘insightful’, I mean expressing an original opinion and/or providing some insider context), I’ve had to turn to newspapers and Twitter (if you follow anyone make it Italian journalist Gabriele Marcotti (@marcotti).

The only saving grace for TV at World Cup 2010 is that Ian Wright’s stuck in ‘Studio Five’.

And the moral of the story? Just because you’ve played football, it doesn’t mean you’re best equipped to talk about it.

* ‘Pundit mince’ is one of my dad’s catchphrases, used traditionally to undermime Hansen & co.